Being that I’m a single woman about town, and being that my last romantic experience was less that successful (see previous post) I’ve decided to join the world of smart dating (which is an extremely misleading name by the way). Do you like how this blog is quickly veering away from my art and hurdling towards a more wannabe Sex and the City meets Penthouse vibe?
Bumble is an extremely simple app. It requires very little information from a person. Anyone is capable of selecting 6 decent pictures of themselves and providing minimal personal details that don’t make them look like an idiot; there’s little room for error. My dog could do it. And yet, here we are. There are so many things people don’t need to get out of a first impression. For instance, right now I’m siting on the couch, sans pants, eating a loaf of french bread for dinner and watching Locked Up Abroad. Do you think I took a picture of that and posted it on my Bumble profile? Absolutely not. Is it something I do? Obviously, but I don’t advertise it on social media (oh wait). The point is, it’s very easy to pick out the best parts of yourself to display on this sort of forum. So if you are making any of the mistakes listed below, I want you to delete bumble, work on yourself, and then come back when you’re actually prepared to interact with women. (Note: be aware that these tips are very specific to my own personal preferences. Other women are much less judgmental than myself.)
1. All of your pictures are group pics
We’ll start off with a no brainer. This is a scenario in which 99% of the decision is based off your face. YOUR face. If every single picture is with a large group, how on earth am I supposed to know which one is you? Either you don’t understand how Bumble works, or you’re trying to camouflage yourself; neither of which make you especially appealing. Next.
2. All of your picture are goofy AF
Your profile reads “looking for a serious commitment, no hookups,” and yet, in your profile pic, you’re making world’s derpiest face while wearing a sombrero and a cape. You’re sending me mixed messages, bro. And in this fast paced game of swipe, I don’t have time to sort it out. Next.
This doesn’t just apply to bumble, it applies to life. If you have them, burn them. And certainly don’t post pictures wearing them. Unless you’re a dad at a BBQ with your Salt Life t-shirt tucked in, wielding an NFL themed spatula. In which case, you’re probably not within my parameters anyway. Next.
4. All of your pictures are selfies
Do you have friends? Negative points if it’s a gym selfie. This might seem to contradict the “all of your pics are group pics” rule, but really, I’m just looking for variety. And please PLEASE don’t stand in the mirror wearing a towel very low on your hips. I’ve never met a girl in the history of bathroom mirror pics who didn’t find that setup hilarious, and not in a good way. Next.
5. Your bio is some sort of clever joke or limerick
You’re quoting Dwight from The Office? How hilarious are you. You copy and pasted some silly wordplay you found on GQ’s website? So original! This tells me NOTHING about you except that I hate your brand of humor. I need my men to be sarcastic and cynical, not living versions New York Times comics. Next.
6. There are girls in your pictures
Ok, she’s your sister. How am I supposed to know that? All I know is that she’s cuter than me, and I don’t want to deal with it. Also, why are you embracing in a hammock while looking into each other’s eyes? Do you know anything about women? Next.
7. You appear to be a pseudo model
Looking away from the camera? Black and white (or better yet, sepia)? Mysterious wind blowing through your mostly unbuttoned white linen shit? I’m not sure why you’re standing against this cement wall with seemingly no other people around in what appears to be an alley in Barcelona deep in thought. If I go to Barcelona, I certainly don’t want to spend my time as your personal photographer. Next.
8. You’re holding a fish/gun
Oh, I see you’re a real man. Thank god, now I know you can hunt and fish while I forage for berries and tan your furs. Next.
9. Your Mom and/ or a (any) baby is in the picture
I’m not biting. What you’re doing is obvious and a little bit twisted. Now, do you have a dog? Please, tell me more about this dog; post as many dog pics as you’d like. That I’d be into. Mom? Not so much. Next.
10. You’re playing a guitar in your pictures
This is a tough one. I say that because only under an extremely specific set of circumstances does this do it for me. Otherwise, you come off as pretentious. I’m already having nightmares about the truly awful song you wrote for me that I have to sit through, with the backdrop of your Urban Outfitters tapestry and empty Busch Light cans. Next.
11. You’re “looking for a cuddle buddy”
This is the most important rule of all. Nuff said. Next.
For the sake of being fair, this is my profile. Judge away.
If we’ve matched, congratulations! You’ve made it past my impossible and unreasonable standards by which I choose a partner. (I’d like to think my expectations are realistic, but let’s all be honest here; I’ve pooped in a bucket, I deserve to be alone forever).
One interesting aspect of Bumble is that (for straight couples) the woman is the one who makes the first move. The downside to that is that it creates a whole new way for me to be rejected. This is to say that too often I’ll match with a dude, say hello and get no response. Which is confusing to me but simultaneously makes me a giant hypocrite. While I can’t fathom why you would swipe right only to ignore me, I frequently match with someone and then knowingly run down the clock without making contact. I contradict myself in most areas of life and Bumble is not an exception. I’m infuriated by men who ignore me in this forum, but frequently ignore men who have matched with me. I guess we all get a little trigger happy with the swipe right?
If and when you do proceed to conversation, it’s usually a few lines of (somewhat) witty banter followed by the inevitable “wanna grab coffee/ a drink sometime?” At which point you say yes, and then text everyone you’ve ever met your location alongside this man’s Bumble profile pic. Is it only my mom that panics at the thought of a Bumble encounter IRL? In my opinion, it’s just like any other blind date, but in the age of technology, everyone has the potential to be a serial killer.
Once you’ve met, and established you’re in no imminent danger, it is in fact just like any other first date. There’s the semi-awkward smalltalk, followed by family history and so on. It’s interesting to me the ratio of people who are on Tinder/Bumble/Hinge/Grinder etc. versus the number of people who disclose having met a sig o via one of these apps. I can’t believe that there are millions of people who use a service that results in absolutely no relationships, however minor. Which basically tells me that no matter how prevalent it may be, online dating of any form is still taboo.
We literally do every single thing via apps. Order coffee, pay bills, adopt dogs… Last month I ordered an HDMI cord and a Three Musketeers bar via goPuff at 1am. So it only makes sense that we can now order dates like Chinese food with one swipe. I myself pride myself in my ability to operate my entire life almost exclusively through my phone. But if a guy on Bumble did fit my extremely specific criteria, and we got married and had children, would I tell my kids the real story of how I met their father? Would I tell anyone outside of my immediate friend group? My parents? I don’t have an answer for that right now. Revise your Bumble profiles and I’ll get back to you.